He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
