I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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