playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
