Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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