was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
