When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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