I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
