omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
