I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
