Whatcha textin bout Willis?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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