I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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