Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
the liver wants what the liver wants
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
