My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
