I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
