I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
