i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
