Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
