Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Randomize
