i just had sex bonerless
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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