He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
