So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
