It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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