He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
