Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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