hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
