If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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