Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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