u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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