remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
