So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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