If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
