That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
