i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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