Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
50% drunk capacity currently
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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