Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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