Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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