I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It was confusing and full of hummus
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
