i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
