I love black thongs
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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