That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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