i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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