I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just puked most of my soul out..
that may or may not have been my penis.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
