I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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