Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
