Don't you send me to vm
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
