the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
