I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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