i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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