Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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