what day is it and did you see me today?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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