In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
