How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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