my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
