I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
