the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
