Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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