dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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