the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize