If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
