party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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